参与，同化，然后消失。

曾几何时，我对所有事情都如此执著。

别人称之为，要求太高。

我不以为然；

但如今，我却一把它捧在手里。

我曾经，对什么事情都希望可以做得最好；

无论什么事情，就算很麻烦，或很困难，我都告诉我自己，

“咬咬牙就过去了”，

然后逼使自己去做得最好。

到底好不好，我不知道；

我只隐隐约约感觉到，

我似乎失去了这一股推动力。

好事，不？

或许是，但也或许不是。

如今，对什么事情，我不再如此执著。

当然希望它可以变得更好，或最好，

但再也不会如此锲而不舍。

“能看就好”，近来一直浮现在我心中的一句话。

为什么？我不知道。

是失望的后遗症吗？我不知道。

“尽一切力去做好，但最终却无法如你想象中的呈现出来。你已经很伤心了，但别人却又再在你伤口上撒盐——拼命批评你在那一件事的过错。”

我惊愕地看进你的眼睛，却迎来你那坚定不移的目光。

清澈的眼睛，彻底嵌入了我的心坎。

“我说对了吧？”

呵呵，对了吗？

原来到坚持的最后，我需要的竟是一份更加坚韧的坚强。

忍无可忍。

这已经是第二次，我在这里发泄关于你的不快。

很荣幸吗？

一点都不。反之，是十分悲哀。

你是我的朋友，是我认识了五年的朋友。

跟你参与很多个一样的团体，跟你合作过很多次。

就是因为这样，

我真的觉得我已忍无可忍。

我从来没有觉得自己会对一个人如此气愤。

每一次，当我吩咐你做东西，

你总会推三阻四，理由多多。

总之不断地寻找理由来推卸任务就是了。

到最后，我们终于忍受不了你的放肆，

决定自己着手去做。

结果我们自己在那里忙得半死，你却乐得轻松。

这一次，不一样。

是你自己要扛下这个任务的。

当时我觉得很欣慰（这是如此的悲哀！）。

但是，

事情根本就没有好转。

已经不止一次，你总是把责任推给别人。

以前如此，现在亦是。

总之出了什么问题，

罪魁祸首永远都不会是你。

你总是一味地推、推、推；怪、怪、怪。

“都是他/她啦，blablabla...”

有时我真的很想堵住你的嘴巴，或，我自己的耳朵。

这种烂理由，你还要用多久？

我已经听得很厌倦了，你能不能有新意一点儿？

不论是在服务团体，抑或是球类学会。

你都是一个推卸责任的高手。

好笑，自己惹出来的问题，难道你自己不能去解决？

你是白痴吗？你不会打电话吗？

为什么还要劳烦别人打，就因为他比你小？！

之后还一直说“对不起，麻烦你们了...”

既然知道麻烦，那就自己干，再通知别人啊！

我明白做错事时是应该说对不起，但是在这种场合，对不起有什么用？

人家还不是要替你收拾这个烂摊子？

每一次问题出现的时候，你就只会怪人！

每一次，每一分，每一秒！！！

我永远都不会听你在怪自己，或对自己的过错深感愧疚。永远不会！！！

如果真的是别人的错，那我无话可说。

但如果事情其实并没那么简单，

表面上看来是别人的错，实际上拐弯抹角来说你其实才是那千古罪人，

这又如何解释？

永远都说自己是多么的辛苦。

那替你扛黑锅/责任的人就一点都不辛苦？

答应了别人的事，就自己去做，不是表面上答应了别人，却叫一个无辜的/毫无相关的人去帮你处理。

若做不到，就说做不到，然后不要答应。

若做不到，到最后自己去斟茶认错，而不是又再一味地怪人！

有时候你的道理/责怪一点逻辑也没有，但你那盛世凌人的态度却让人不得不听你的废言烂语。

不要以为是别人屈服了你，

只是对你已彻底失望得无言！！

你到底有没有反省或检讨你自己？

还是你仍然认为你一点错也没有？

完全没错？

.....够了。

我正努力让自己平静下来。

我从来没有在部落格如此激动过！

身为你的朋友，我能做的是只有提点你。

但是你自己却选择忽视，我也没有办法。

有时我真的无法掩饰我对你的嗤之以鼻，但是为了减少不必要的麻烦，

我选择了沉默。

“我顾人心，人顾我心”，我是一直如此告诉自己。

但是，

是不是我这样做已彻底错了？

我真的已经无力再说什么。

只剩半年，半年。你要怎么做我也无能为力。

无能为力——真是个好词。

或许我本来就不应该理会，本来就应该漠视。

请、你、再、思、考、清、楚。

或许你还是认为自己没有错，是我的错——

“你自己也不是一个很好的领导者，凭什么指责我的态度？

你的态度很好吗？

如果你有胆子把我的过错写在部落格，那为什么没有胆子改正我？”

......或许是吧。

总之你永远都没错。

New year; emo posts. *Sorry!*

" When a person tends to laugh more, smile more, or even with some unusual actions, this is because too much stories behind all of these where not much people actually realize why they do so."

Got this quote from someone's blog. *sorry!*

Yeah. So true.

These days I was finding the reasons for my unusual act : being hyperactive, hypertalkive, hyperlaughing blablabla.

Keep on crapping away without stopping; keep laughing like no one's business.

I think some of my friends realized that, coz someone even asked, "What the HELL is wrong with you?"

How I hope I know the answer well, but unfortunately,

I don't.

I'MMA AT A LOST ON WHAT AM I DOING.

I just dont know why.

At first, I was thinking, maybe coz I'm in a new year mood, thats why I'm acting like a hyperactive child.

But when chinese new year really came,

 I DONT FEEL ANY HAPPIER.

In opposition, 

I just feel down, especially when I'd on facebook and see those things that

I really dont want to see.

I can't spill my feelings out at facebook (you see, it's so awkward to type something emo amongst all those new year statuses), and thus, I chose a place which is really mine.

Yeah. my so-called-blog.

But still,

I don't know why I'm so sad for these days.

Especailly after when I see.. ugh.

Maybe it's because of you that incident.

Yeah. Most probably.

I know you'd tried your best, but the enthusiasm is lost means IT'S REALLY LOST.

It's not like writing with a pencil, whenever you wrote something wrong you can correct/cancel it with a eraser.

For this thing, YOU CAN'T.

and that's the fact.

I told myself countless times to forgive you; to trust on you once more.

But again and again you kept break your promises.

And that's it, once and for all.

I really can't believe you in this any longer.

I know you're a great one.

You have great & high potential; but the problem is You're oblivious of other's feeling.

I'd gave you hints on that and yet you still chose to ignore it.

And that's why,

my heart, not my mind, told me to let go.

Heart speaks louder than mind.

You apologized, yes.

but somehow I just couldnt forget..

yeah. i can't.

not I dont want to...

I know I'd hurt you badly.

but I really cant help it.

I sought for dont know how many long months and yet I just could not find back the feeling.

I dont know...

And when I'd decided to let go,

another people just keep remind me about this.

I said I dont want to think & talk about this,

why cant you guys just give me a break?

I said my mind is not suitable enough to think about it and yet you guys just keep urge me for an answer.

You guys are suffering, yeah.

What about me?

Do you guys think I'll feel any better?

And alas, I listen to the advice,

end it & once and for all.

I told my decision, my thoughts;

and I think I gave you a suitable response.

But,

you asked me again.

yes, again, and ask me to think again.

Please, you know my style,

I CAN'T MAKE FAST DECISIONS.

I need a long time to think.

Yeah.

Finally, when I ended it,

you treat me as if I'm a stranger.

That's the reason I don't want to say it because 

I know you've been extreme & no longer friends!

and you're stating you've do nothing wrong because it's me that started it.

Yeah, may be. I dont know.

I just feel tired & I dont want to do anymore judgements..

Maybe I'm really wrong this time.

What's done cannot be undone, you can't expect me to smile and talk to you like nothing had happened before.

But that doesn't give you the right to treat me like that.

Seems like I'd keep on blaming you guys, huh?

No, I'm not. Really.

I know I had my wrong sides but

I really need to say my feelings out.

我没有在责怪谁，我只想把已蕴藏心里已久的话统统倒出来。

终于，我有了这股勇气。

不要在我面前提起我打过的东西，尤其是，你。

更不要问我“你”是谁，因为我不会回答你。

或许我真的应该说，对不起。